Jasper Roberts Consulting - Widget

Coming Full Circle- Adoption

I never shared, but my husband did. One year ago we endured a failed adoption. 

He had the fortitude to think through the pain and write a series of blog posts. I put one foot in front of the other and put my chin up. I am not sure who is more “well adjusted”, but I am OK with my journey.

This song carried me through waiting for her to be “ours” , buying her clothes and Chevron bedding, losing her to another family 10 days before her birth, and dealing with the aftermath. The song is a life changer.

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The year has come full circle and our “Maybe Baby” will be turning one soon.  Of course, we actually named her, but before we even started the adoption process we would talk about adoption and a "Maybe Baby" that "maybe" God would gift us. "Maybe" this is what God had for us. "Maybe" we should start the process now. "Maybe" she is the daughter for us. "Maybe" and prayerfully, this will work out. In an adoption process NOTHING is certain.

When we decided we wanted to adopt her, we set aside the money (thank you TpT). We waited. The birth father told us (via text) that he had chosen us to raise his daughter. The birth mother did not want to deal with any of this. She was pretending none of this was happening. Her growing belly aside, she refused to think about the baby, make decisions for the baby. Though she did visit an adoption agency and looked through binders of portfolios.  She called herself a glorified oven, baking someones baby.  The birth father assured us that she would come around to the reality of the baby, and vote with him. He asked us to pray. We put a lot of stock in what he told us via text and a mutual friend. We met with our lawyer and arranged for them to meet with our lawyer.  We chose a beautiful name and began preparing as much as you can for a baby who is half yours.  But "our baby" went to another family. The birth mother made a last minute decision away from the closed adoption she had previously demanded to a with-visitation-rights open adoption.  

Now nearing the anniversary of her birth I did not realize I would have fresh tears over the baby.

So what did I learn over the last year ?

God is good even when our current circumstances feel bad. It’s true. My son (7 and a half)  asked me last week why he throws up when he is sick. Why does Jesus let us be afraid of throwing up? Why would God let him be in pain? He told me, "I prayed. Isn't He listening?" I had to explain that God never promised us a pain-free life, but He promised to always be with us and give us the strength we need to navigate our lives. Looking to Him for daily strength gives us hope, and joy, and peace.  

Bearing the grief alone is kind of dumb because people have no clue what's going on, and must be asking themselves, “What’s up with her?” Even worse, other people may feel that they have done something wrong, or offended you because they know something is "off"or not right. Most people blame themselves first. Outside of my home, I tend to err on the side of silence.  But the problem with being too private, is people cannot help you, pray for you, hug you, or cut you some slack.

I also learned that being real is more important than being perfect.  I don’t want anyone to think I have a perfect life, but I do want to behave appropriately.  I have learned that the pain I silently carry around still becomes a burden on others, but they have no idea where it’s coming from. So they lack the knowledge that just might lead to compassion, empathy, and warmth.

Putting off the pain doesn't work. Eating the pain doesn't work #plus25pounds. Nothing works, but giving the pain to God. He is the great physician. He carries us, heals us, and loves us so much that He sent his Son to build the bridge between us and Him. How foolish to not run across that bridge and into His care. There is no emotion I feel that would shock Him. There is no wound that I bear beyond His touch. 

I have learned that being real, open, and honest does not make me a mess, weak, or imperfect. It makes me a strong woman, a healed woman, and a woman whos arms are soft enough to comfort others through shared pain and arms that are strong enough to pick up the pieces and carry on. 

I have seen with my own eyes, how good my husband is and how lucky I am to have our son.  I lack nothing. I just had more room in my heart.  I am content in His plan for me and cherish what God has already given me.

So as her birthday rolls around I both raise a glass to the family that holds her, and I raise my torch. In a small, but very real way, I will always love my “Maybe Baby”. God is with me as I carry a torch for her because I was ready to be her mom and because I loved her before I knew her. It's really no different than loving the unborn child in your womb. Adoption is just a lot more uncertain. But I can tell you will 110% assurance that I needed to learn these things, because I am better now than I ever could have been if I had been spared the experience. 

Happy Birthday, dear one.
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Writing Pad Dad
If you have not met my husband, you’ll like him.  He is honest, snarky, funny, smart, and has knack with words. But if you click on any of those pink boxes, prepare yourself. He didn't hold back. Here is his first blog post.


It hasn't been a week yet, but things feel like they have moved so fast. After the first time around, with a rough pregnancy and our baby spending seventeen days in the N.I.C.U., we had decided we were only going to have one kid. He is healthy, we are happy, why mess with it if it isn't broken, right? That all changed last week.

Here's what happened: The Missus came home and said that a teacher friend of hers knows a young couple. This couple, both 20 and unmarried, are having a baby. They had made an appointment at an abortion clinic, went to the appointment, and realized they couldn't go through with it. The baby is a girl. The friend of the Missus thinks we should adopt the baby. The Missus thinks we should adopt the baby. What do I think? Well, I didn't say no. I had thought last week, while we were sitting at the kitchen table having dinner, that our table seems to be missing something or someone. I have thought on more than a few occasions, that my son might enjoy having someone to be silly and excited with when we do fun family things.

So, we said we're interested. The young couple said they want to meet us. It took them forever to make a plan with us. I started cleaning out our office/exercise/guest room to get organized, but also to make way for a possible nursery. The Missus has been full of ideas for a "girl" nursery. I started to worry that the young couple might want to come see our house and where the baby's room would be, so I redoubled my efforts to get that room cleaned. Finally, things started to move forward when the couple set a day and time with us.

Now, tonight is the night. I have such mixed feelings. Having a newborn is a lot of work. What am I getting myself into and, more importantly, why am I getting myself into it? I know they will love the Missus. What's not to love? But, will they like me when we meet?

Check back soon, and I'll let you know!


      
 
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30 comments:

  1. Katie, my heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for being so real and sharing, I cannot imagine the pain you have endured. I too have a loss of fertility and after many year have some peace after giving it to God and just accepting His plan for us. I will pray for your family!

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    1. Let the Lord's peace be your strength!

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  2. Wow. I just read ALL the posts. Then I cried, and then I prayed. We have three adopted kids and have felt those stops and starts ourselves. It is so good that you finally talked about it. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Thanks for sharing your journey! Your husband is a very talented writer! I was very blessed by your words of wisdom about the dangers of being too guarded and private. I am working on being too focused on perfection and letting people get to know the real me. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I will keep you and your sweet family in my prayers!

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    1. Perfection is tough. It makes us hard on ourselves and others in the process! I am blessed to be working through it too. I say blessed because even though it's hard to let go of perfection, it's a blessing to embrace myself and the journey I am walking. This is so much better than trying to make my journey match someone else's!

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing from your heart. You never know who your words of wisdom will touch and be a comfort to. God will never give us more than we can handle, we just may not realize it at the time. It is all in his timing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    ~Laura
    Luv My Kinders

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    1. Laura, you are so kind and WISE. I know that His plan is beautiful and I am never asked to carry more than He and I can carry together.

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  5. Praying for you during this time! The anniversary of our miscarriage is fast approaching and I know I will have fresh tears to cry for our angel baby. Once you are told a baby is yours, it's yours for life. Even if you have to let the baby go. Either biologically or through adoption. I struggled with dealing with my grief as well. Not knowing how to deal with it actually, but God taught me patience, trust, and so much more during our time of waiting. And now I am 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our miracle baby. Waiting anxiously for her to make her debut! I will never forget our sweet angel baby and cannot wait to meet him/her one day. Thank you for sharing your heart! It really touched mine this morning.

    Ashley

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    1. Ashley! Congratulations on your daughter!!! I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. What a heartbreak to loose your first baby. I am so glad that you are about to have this sweet little girl!

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  6. I am praying that today you feel the love, peace and comfort of all of us whose lives have been touched by your generosity in sharing your teacher life, and now this personal journey. Please know that we all care. May God bless you greatly today and always.

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  7. Love you sweet, brave friend. I love seeing how God has been working on you through this... #godisntfinishedwithusyet #griefishard love you!!! Vicky

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing this story, and sharing your husband's writing with us as well! I will definitely have you and your family in my prayers this week as you are thinking about your "maybe baby." Prayers for you!!

    Mrs. 3rd Grade 

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  9. Thanks! I needed this today. My heart if full for you and you are in my prayers! Hugs.
    P.S. All this time of working with your husband and not even knowing it was your husband..ha ha! He is a great guy!

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  10. I so understand where you have been, and where you are, and where you will be. 'Our baby' was born 2 weeks early and we never knew until a friend of the girl finally called me because the mother refused to call me. I pray for this little girl all the time...and yes....we named her too. The mother is on facebook and from to time I endure a little facebook stalking and ask 'what if'...her life could have been very different with us. Prayers and Blessings to you.

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    1. Oh yes, I have seen pictures of the baby on the internet and it is a little like a sucker punch. My heart embraces yours.

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  11. Oh sweetie... I have no words. I am so sorry for what you went through. I have seen many families go through the ups and downs of adoption and I know how hard it can be. Best wishes if you ever try that path again.
    good enough teacher

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    1. Thank you my friend. I feel your love!

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  12. Love you so much, sweet friend. My heart hurts for you and is filled with pride for your strength and openness. You are a true blessing.

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    1. Lisa, thank you for everything! Is it possible to thank someone for everything? I sure hope so because you have been a source of love and strength!

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  13. I love that song! I listen to it all the time when I need a reminder to walk in faith. We too had a failed adoption (of siblings). It is heartbreaking and I am so sorry for your loss. We still think about those two little ones who now would be entering young adulthood. God has a plan for you and knows what's best. Have you heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story? If not, find it and listen to it. It's another favorite. Good luck to your family!

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  14. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can imagine it is a very difficult time, even now a year later. I read your husband's posts too... he is a very talented writer! But what a roller coaster experience you two went through... Lots of love to your family!

    Amanda

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    1. Amanda, Thank you for complimenting Justin! I like his writing, but I am biased. God is good. I can't think of better company than Jesus on this roller coaster called life!

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  15. Girl, I love you big!! Love your honesty and faithfulness! Love your openness and ability to make those around you feel calm! Can't wait to see you again, my friend!
    XO
    Laura
    Peace, Love, and First Grade

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  16. I can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of appreciation and love for you and your family. This post is a great reminder of the torches we each hold dear to our hearts, how God always provides in the way He sees fit, and the blessings of how empowering sharing can actually be. I'm encouraged to one day share...
    Blessings,
    Janice
    @1islandlover

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  17. I definitely needed to read this today! Thank you so much for sharing your process! I know personally how hard it can be. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 6 months now and there have been a lot of downs, not so many ups. It was definitely hard to be honest with friends/family/the blogging world, but once I did, I felt so much better, like I got some control back over my life whereas before I felt like I lost a part of myself and was not like other women. It really is comforting to know that things have a way of working themselves out even if you can't see it during the heartache. Your words are inspiring and I wish you the best of luck!

    Tasha Emmerson
    Confessions of a Tiny Teacher

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  18. Your story moved me to tears. I pray your journey takes you on one that leads you to where you want to be at this moment and all in the future.

    Kristal
    www.kshanny.blogspot.com

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Thanks for commenting! I feel the love!

 
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